A girl's guide to boys, written by a boy.

Boys aren't complicated creatures. Really. Boys fall into two categories, basically.

1. The boy who is on his noble quest.
2. The boy who is thinking about it.

99% of the boys you will meet aren't worth your time. Why? because they fall into the second category, and nothing you can do will shove him into the first one. When a boy is casting about, all you can do is drown with him. That's fun for some people: the misery of despair and hopelessness ... for a while, but not fun for you.

Conversely, when a boy is on his mission, nothing distracts him from it, and all you can do, really, is hook on and ride along with him, or you can be the stumbling block that does derail him back down to the cesspool of category two.

See? The secret to boys is you. Women are the very powerful, mystical creatures, and boys are, frankly, scared to death of you. Why? One word from you can crush him or it can launch him (further) into orbit, so it's all on you and what you want to do.

Do you want to prove that you're better than him? Do you want to show him that his pride proceedeth the fall and glory in his descent? That's completely in your power. One word, one critical glance from you, and he's done, because it's game over for him, man.

Do you want to see how high he can fly? Do you want to see what he can do in beast mode? That's all on you. How? Support him, encourage him, spin him up, then let him go, and you, and the whole world, will see what your man can do, with you, his woman, behind him.

99%. Not worth your time.

So it depends, entirely, on you, and how you see yourself. Just because a boy suddenly notices you for a moment, along with the football and his buds, doesn't mean a thing as to who you are. Sure, the attention, the flowers, the texts, they're nice. They are hella nice, but who are you in all this? Who were you before him? Who are you with him? Who are you after him?

And who is he?

If he's in his mopey "what does it all mean?"-phase, or his angry "everything blows"-phase, but you see the wonderful human being that he is (because he said 'hi' to you once and asked if you wanted to go out or Netflix and chill, or whatever), here's what I say:

Give him your phone number and say to him this: "When you get serious, when you know what you're doing with your life, when you're taking on something so big, that you know it's bigger than anything in the world, bigger than even you? Call me, and I'll support you in it, but until you get your shit together, until you're on point, don't waste my time nor yours."

A boy is his cause. A boy is this: that he looks at what he has done, and he's proud of the work of his hands. And a boy without a cause is nothing and worse than nothing, because he's chilling, wasting time, trying this, dabbling in that, and he'll drag you down to that, so that you become a nag and a shrew, pushing him to be something other than a lazy lay-about, streaming binge-series, going to work, wasting away his life, and who looks ugly and mean? You.

And you're not. You're better than this. Mr. Right is not going to walk right up to you and sweep you off your feet.

Actually, yes, he is.

But also a whole bunch of Mr. Wrongs are going to come into your life, and you decide if they are in like Flynn in your life and in your heart, or if you show them where the door is ... or kick them to the curb.

So, how do you know which is which?

You'll know.

What does Mr. Right look like?

He looks exactly like the kind of man you have absolutely no time for. He'll infuriate you, he'll annoy you, he'll frikken stalk you like a psychopathic serial killer, he'll push your buttons and tell you why he can't stand you, ...

Then ask you to be his partner, his helpmeet, on his noble quest of life.

Then you have a choice. You can say 'no' because it's not how you see your life, and watch him walk, and marry the very next girl in two months, knowing you let that elusive good man get away.

A sparkly rainbow-unicorn, but you didn't see it, because he's weird, does crazy things, and wears blue jeans and plays catch with his dad, still, and you missed it.

Or you can say: "give me some time." And watch him walk. Because your "I need to think about it" translates in his mind to 'no.' What do you need to think about? What assurances do you need to reflect on by yourself? If you don't involve him in your "I'll think about it"-process, you've lost him, because you either with him, together, on this thing, or your not.

Or you can say: "we need to talk this through," and watch him say 'okay,' but then honestly talk about it. Or watch him throw a temper-tantrum, saying that all girls do is talk-talk-talk, then weigh what this means to you. Is it worth the time of day to explain to him that boys leap, but girls process, and they process by talking, and are you worth it to him for him to process along with you.

Or you can say: "Yes," and then fasten your seatbelt, honey, because saying 'yes' and saying 'I do' is the start of your happily-ever-after that you have to work hard at, every day, to make happen.

Boys are really simple. They are either tilting at windmills or a growing potato on the couch, neither fits into your expectations of what you want for you life. Boys aren't girls: yeah, boys are weird. Boys don't understand girls: in fact, boys are straight-up scared to death of girls.

It's all up to you, then, honey, to pick the one you can live the rest of your life with, and then it's up to you to support him in good times and in bad, and be happy with the choice that you made.