Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Discouraged by Burdens

Dear LORD,

Thank You for today.

Some days — today — it's harder to say that than others. You rain down plentiful blessings today, as You do, every day, but some days I make it harder on myself to be open to receiving them.  I started this day on a meditation on death, but ended up becoming dogmatic, self-righteous, and now regret writing anything about it. There's a lesson: write, then stop and pray about it for a day first.

Today we had biryani for lunch, and free, too, but I'm still stuck on yesterday's lost free lunch because Jesumine was sick? Please, LORD, reform my heart and restore Jesumine to good health and happiness, too. But I am caught up in secular things: my system isn't working, and I don't know why, and I'm angry and frustrated about that. Nish is leaving to lead a team at thirty dollars more per hour, and I'm happy for him, but also sad that I feel stuck in this high-paying job that I'm buffeted about in and am still not meeting the bills.

I am thankful to have had the conversation with my wife about the costs of living here and living with paying off our debts, as that is one burden she shared instead of continuing to carry that burden by herself, but I'm sad to be the one to have put us there that she has to bear this burden of us getting out of it, and now the IRS with a three-thousand dollar penalty besides? When they tax us for a year with no income? It screams of injustice, and I don't want to play this game any more, but I don't know how to walk away from the table (responsibly), so I keep playing a game I'm losing at, and I'm becoming a sore loser, besides. 

And, all the while, everyone around me is supportive, hopeful, and encouraging: they are confident that I'm competent and will do well, and that, even, is a source of discouragement for me. How can they believe in me, when I don't? Do You feel the same way about me, too, LORD? Why?

I plead for Your Divine Help in the Name of Jesus, the Christ.


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